Jazaakil laahu khayraa. This is ESPECIALLY true if the mother will be living with you after marriage. Before you got married did you even observe or was it infatuation that you didn’t ask the right questions? DO understand how your spouse relates to his or her parents. How do you identify AMS and more importantly, if you are already married to a guy whose mother suffers from it, how do you deal with it? Therefore, when deciding who to marry, marry the one who will make a good companion to you and a good mother to your children. That is the haq that Allah SWT has given her – and one that YOU have no right to take away from her due to your own fears. If the relationship is particularly damaged, seeing a counsellor may also help give you the tools and strategies you need to repair and maintain it moving forward. She seemed to have trouble dealing with the fact that her son wanted to share his life with another woman other than her good self. She looked so embarrassed, she didn’t know where to hide her face. Don’t marry for the sake of having ‘someone around’ for your mother. Refused Gifts From His Mother In-Law Date: 25-2-2020. Her mother-in-law is causing all sorts of problems in her marriage, and she doesn’t know how to cope. Wow! May he be disgraced! Parents and in-laws should be treated with respect and love, but we must not allow our emotions to entangle us. The rest of His creation are just forgotten and abandoned by Allah (nauzubillah). After numerous visits between the families spanning over 4 months, she politely made an excuse that the distance between them (about 80 miles) was too great. There is a HUGE difference between a mummy’s boy and a man who loves his mother. [Muslim]. I think we should start asking dua (if u r single) at most this Ramadan for understanding, appreciative, grateful, loving & muttaqi Mother in law/ father in law n the complete in laws . You both disrespect her all the time. As i did not want the girl to think I rejected her because of how she n looked i ended the meeting before I even met her. However, Allah SWT is the Most Just and HATES oppression in any form – therefore know this: if you mistreat your son’s wife in any way, you WILL be held to account on the day of Judgement. Create a ‘civil connection’ … Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that the Messenger of Allah said: "Allah created all (His) creation, and when He finished the task of His creation, Ar-Rahm (i.e., ties with kinfolk) said: `(O Allah)! The common conception among the masses is that the mother in-law is an evil person. To anyone who is going through this also, May Allah grant us the strength and sabr to deal with everything InshaAllah ameen. This article goes both ways. Of all of them, it was only the ones who were doctors where the mother was a major obstacle. So this brings me to the all-important question – WHY. And if you really can't … Wow – you didn’t know that beforehand? She couldn’t find a single good thing to say about her. jazakallahu khairan. Men in these situations are not playing the ‘dutiful son’ role that they THINK they are. I feel trapped within my own skin. This is also the reason that when you DO have to deal with a difficult situation with your mother-in-law, you need to do it in the presence of your husband so said mother-in-law can’t tell tales or stretch the truth about what REALLY happened. How to handle your difficult mother-in-law. just too perfect!!! A NOTHING. And if you happen to have rude in-laws, it can make your family life that much dicier.  Don’t get me wrong, not all in-laws are bad - mine rock (Hi JoAnn and Michael!). Get a book on golden advice for a Muslim. Your mother-in-law may be difficult; she may be very difficult, but she probably did not whip out a pistol and force her son to do so. This is especially so if the mother’s only provider and supporter is this son, because his role could have been that of the father in taking care of the affairs of the household and being his mother's protector, so the mother would feel that she has lost such an important son to her daughter in-law. What exactly was her son? The husband insists on knowing why, so the wife finally answers, in a very disrespectful tone: “It is either me or your mother in this house!” The husband wants to know what the problem is: “What happened?” he asks, but she begins crying again; the husband asks again: “Please explain to me what happened.” Finally, the wife says: “Your mother badmouthed me, and then your sisters gathered around me and insulted me.” Due to the husband being enslaved to his wife, he is enraged, and without even bothering to ascertain if his wife's statement is true, he goes off in a storm, and screams at his mother and sisters; he forgets the rank of his mother, and that Allah parallels respect of her to Islamic monotheism when He Says (what means): “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Bad habits picked up over the years in dealing with people can sometimes be difficult to let go and may not even seem that bad. She is not muslim. Islam being a code of life also provides the ways in which a Muslim can battle the hardships and get through them. There are many factors that contribute to the bitter relationship that some women have with their mothers in-law; some of which, on the part of the daughter in-law, are: Lack of respect: Respect for others is a fine quality to possess; it is never that it is practiced between people except that love and harmony will engulf them. To deal with a difficult mother-in-law, talk to your spouse to develop a strategy together. Therefore, take heed and avoid confrontation with her in any way, because your husband will never take your side. Avoid confrontations but when push comes to shove, don’t be a doormat. They are every violent, disrespectful and proud person."" Top Tips For Dealing With An Arrogant Mother-In-Law: If you are unfortunate enough to end up with an arrogant, interfering mother-in-law who feels it necessary to control your husband and your life, here are some ways to take the sting out of it: The final piece of advice for sisters dealing with a difficult mother-in-law and a mummy’s boy is to ACCEPT that whatever happens in life, mummy dearest will always be more important to your husband than you. inshaaallah this will work. Mothers with AMS think they have a God-given right to do as they please with their sons, so will naturally want a wife for their son who will never (like her son) question her. Dealing With ‘Arrogant Mother-In-Law Syndrome’. You won’t always agree with your in-laws. Now I should say that my best friend is practising, beautiful, caring, highly educated and works from home…and to top it all off, she can cook incredibly well. I con Mother in law does make matters worse because she is always there next to him covering his deeds in front of their son. However, we need to strive in changing the undesirable so our families, friends, peers, and others can see the better of us. I once spoke to a lady whose son was a doctor (he was married) and was shocked at her attitude towards her daughter-in-law. Marriage advice: Tips for dealing with a difficult mother-in-law in Islam I Mufti Menk (2019) - Duration: 9:03. There comes a time we need to accept to the reality of our difficult mom and grieve the death of our expectations and dreams for our ideal mom, so we can grow into daughters of a loving Father. Everything is out in the open with no room for misinterpretation. Why do they seem to think they can hurt other people’s feelings? Allah replied: `Would you be content that I treat with kindness those who treat you with kindness, and sever ties with those who sever your ties?' A glimpse of Islam's great concern for women, A Call for Harmony and Cordiality Between the Spouses, Mother Wants Daughter to Travel without Mahram. Inshaaallah!!! And because such guys KNOW their mum has done this (and this is usually through many years of brainwashing and emotionally blackmailing their sons, reminding them of their sacrifice and drilling it into their brains that they have to put them number one), they feel compelled to comply. In fact, as a sister, you should carefully watch how he deals with the women in his family, as it’s a good indication of how you will be treated too (Obviously, AMS is an exception!). We all know that maintaining family ties is important in Islam. Even if you have to grit your teeth, try to say something nice. It is really upsetting and brings a person down completely to the point that you feel you’re not good enough for them. According to her, my friend looked ‘too old’ when in actual fact, she looks at LEAST 7 years younger than she actually is. Since when is the love you have for your mother so weak and since when is your relationship with your mother so fragile that when your wife eventually does come along, you’ll forget all about your dear old ma? Your email address will not be published. Do you have a article on ‘How to deal with a arrogant Daughter-in-law Syndrome’ with top-tips on how to deal with one?, If not do you have any plans on writing one in the future? Come on you guys, are you men or mice? This writing tries to give some Islamic tips that can help a Muslim get through the … For some mothers, there is also an element of insecurity which leads to clingy behaviour, jealousy, and the constant need to ‘compete’ with the daughter-in-law. Often, it takes a dose of reality from their son or brother, rather than you, to get difficult in-laws to back off. Some mothers become jealous seeing their sons happy and enjoying life with their wives; if the daughter in-law were to ever complain to her about any problem that might occur with the son, she would never support her; rather, she would side with her son, even if he was the one at fault; moreover, she would humiliate his wife and may even beat her. This is why in Islam, a man doesn’t need a wali to get married. My friend has seen at least 12 proposals over a 3 year period. She did not want to visit me or her grandchildren for many years because of me wearing hijab. If your difficult mother-in-law is starting to get abusive, this is the time to address the issues. If you can’t make a proper decision about your own life, how will you take care of your family when it comes along? SHORTIMAANBOOSTERS Recommended for you A real man knows what he wants and can respectfully communicate this to his family without feeling the need to comply to all of his mother’s wishes. Pure Matrimony – The world’s Largest Matrimonial Service For Practising Muslims, Women have been waiting for this article for ages! It’s about a mother staking her claim as the only woman worthy of her son’s hard work, affection and time because SHE made the sacrifices to get her son to the level of education/study/work that he is currently at. I could deal with my parents as a mature Christian adult. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say: 'My Lord! AMS has many facets, but it essentially boils down to a few things: it’s all about power, influence and control. The mother in-law is human, and would therefore wish that her daughter in-law would treat her as a mother; she would not like being given the cold shoulder; in some cases however, the daughter in-law is not evil, but she may be unaware of some of the etiquettes of how to deal with her mother in-law. The problem is not your mother-in-law. I define toxicity as words and actions that do harm to us. And this is just the way it is. Many people think they can deceive Allah by being cunning and shrewd in this world especially when they followers to support their evil actions. It started off really well. They generally refuse therapy, are uncooperative, blame the daughter and might even walk out. Haarithah ibn Wahb, may Allah be pleased with him, reported: “I heard the Messenger of Allah saying: “Shall I not inform you about the inmates of Hell? - He whose parents, one or both of them, attain old age during his lifetime, but he does not enter Paradise (by being dutiful to them)." You spent your life living your mother’s dreams out, but what about your own? The daughter in-law who severs ties with her mother in-law causes her husband to abandon his mother and sever his ties with her; thus, such a wife becomes the reason behind his undutifulness towards his mother. That is okay. He will turn to her, find solace in her, feel comfort in her and spend his free time devoting attention to her, while in the background, the one who gave up her … Once you’ve agreed on a way to deal with the issue, stay consistent to send the message that you’re serious about confronting the problem and deserve respect. Your sons have a right to choose who they want to make as future partners, and you have no right to dissuade them unless you have a genuine concern that the girl he is considering for marriage has a bad character or is not practising or some other major issue. Live for Allah . Sometimes i wonder why i cant grow a thicker skin. At this place I seek refuge with You from my ties being severed.' Firstly, AMS has several distinct characteristics which should make it fairly easy to spot in a potential mother-in-law…. According to McBride, many difficult mothers are also on the narcissistic spectrum, and they typically project their feelings, finding it difficult to connect with their emotional inner life. ", Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that the Prophet sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: "May he be disgraced! Much applause for this article! Hold yourself to your own standards Ideally you want build a good relationship with your mother-in-law, she is the mother of your husband and the grandmother of your children after all. As you can see from the above list, you really wouldn’t want to be around someone like this – so why give your marriage a certified death sentence by marrying a man whose mother displays these signs? Once, my ex- MIL, who pretty openly thought I … [Al-Bukhari & Muslim], The husband returns from work to see his evil wife crying, so he asks her why, but she only continues crying, so that she will attain the best effect. Doing this may cause a full-blown fight and increase the rift between the two of you so try to pick your fights. Walaikum salaam warahmatullah – jzk for your feedback – yes insha’Allah we shall be putting this article out in the next few weeks – please keep a lookout for it insha’Allah! Avoid stooping to her level. Regardless of what she may do, or how kind she may be to her daughter in-law, her description remains as such -especially in the view of the daughter in-law. A woman, who by the mother-in-law’s own admission, can’t be controlled. Being polite is not the same as putting up with difficult interactions; it is about not responding negatively or in a hurtful way. Mothers must understand that Allah has given you responsibility over you sons, BUT you have to fulfil this trust as Allah has enjoined in the Quran. It said: `I am satisfied.' Now if you are a mummy’s boy reading this, please don’t take this to mean that you should not listen to your mother. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as]: 'uff' [i.e., an expression of disapproval or irritation] and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. Marry the woman who will support your goals and ambitions in your life and whom you can work together towards Jannah for. Have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.'" Relationships . To get more valuable Islamic content on a regular basis, please subscribe to our … jazakAllahu khair. https://www.muslimmarriageguide.com/dealing-arrogant-mother-law-syndrome That’s an interesting question – the answer to which is as complex as it is intriguing… so let me make this super easy to understand. You do not need to agree with or condone what she does, but you do need to fulfil your end of the deal. Learn to see the difference! Type #1: The “never letting go” MIL. At least they have convinced themselves they’ve got a reason for their arrogance – but YOU, you have a special kind of stupid and misplaced sense of arrogance that’s in a league of its own! Allah will not question you on what she did, but He will question you on how you responded to her. She is not going to be responsible for your wife either – you are. What an appropriate eye opening article! This is because the mother is so used to her son complying with everything he asks, that she then expects the same from her daughter-in-law. Your mother is not going to be married to your wife – you are. salama alaikum, av been waiting for this type of discussion I wish my husband could read this post, this is really troubling my marriage but I keep praying to Allah for enough patience and endurance. I found the book Toxic Parents, Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward helpful in defining and dealing with harmful parental behavior. Maybe because we try to uphold the status of parents in Islam, or maybe because nearly all cultures of the world place a serious importance on respecting parents. It is natural for women to be jealous, but added to this is the fact that the mother feels that this daughter in-law has shared her son with her and taken him away from her control; therefore, a competition arises. Call on her attitude and behavior if she is way out of line. Clingy, rude, arrogant, over protective, possessive, you name it he does it. Recognize your parents’ behaviors is toxic. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the problem right there. Why do they think its ok to mess someone else’s daughter around? She is your son’s wife and helps him to complete half of his religion. On the other hand, the causes of the bad relationship can be on the part of the mother in-law herself, such as: Being harsh with the daughter in-law: Some mothers in-law are very harsh towards their daughters in-law, and also encourage their sons to treat their wives badly. 2. Be Kind. Every Wednesday is "tip day." The Jumu’ah khutbah delivered by Imam Didmar Faja at UICA on the 03/09/2018. And why oh why do they feel so threatened when their son takes an interest in a woman who clearly has beauty AND brains and is independent? And unfortunately, when a good rapport had been established between the guy and my best mate, it was the mother who ended it. So Allah said: `Then this is yours.`" [Al-Bukhari & Muslim] Imaam Al-Qurtubi said: “This is to inform us that Allah has granted these ties a high rank: that of one who took refuge in Him and was granted it; and one who is taken into the protection of Allah will certainly never be forsaken. Allah is the most just. I think in my case substitute mother in law with father in law. Copyright © 2010 - 2017 Pure Matrimony. His son will never be man enough to admit his mistakes. Be confident in how you have raised your son and stop clinging on to him for dear life. How will you deal with the pressures of marriage? by eharmony. Quran and hadith both contain information on the nature of the hardships and how a Muslim is to behave both physically as well as psychologically when faced by them. To stop your daughter-in-law doing this or by being demanding and ordering her around as if she was your maid is a great sin in Islam. I remember going to see a rishta and hadn’t even seen the girl and the father was one arrogant so and so. Arrogant mother-in-law syndrome (AMS), is all about control. These strategies for dealing with difficult mother-in-law problems are inspired by a reader’s question. I would never ever suggest for anyone to disobey their parents or cause them grief. Why do so many mothers get AMS when it comes to their sons? If your father-in-law makes a negative remark about your career, resist the urge to defend your life’s calling. Your job as a mother is to set him up for success –not help him fail his marriage! I just wanna cry walllhi I’ve been suffering for ten years but still can’t say nothing. But you should … But because he didnt hit me or treat me like a slave because i dont live under his roof none of this has any significance for my husband. Psychiatrists say that this results from jealousy. Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported: “I heard Abu Al-Qaasim (i.e., the Prophet) say: "The miserable one is the only one whose heart is deprived from mercy." You have to accept that there are things your daughter-in-law can do for your son that you could never do. Your daughter-in-law isn’t trying to take your son away from you either – rather, she is trying to make a place in your son’s heart to keep him happy, and as Allah SWT has instructed her to do so. My dad told both his wife and her mom, "It's not me you should be apologizing to, it's my daughter. So many innocent women’s lives are being ruined by such vicious mother in laws who think that Allah has only given rights to mothers only. All rights reserved. This could be due to the incorrect manner in which the daughter in-law was brought up, or to the repeated warnings that her own mother gave her regarding her future mother in-law before she got married. Now my sister after marriage: One day when my husband went to talk to my mum regarding some family issues whilst I was at work, my sister is listening from her bedroom then she is disrespectful to my husband, she tells him to get away from mum and to send me to talk, but my husband is apart of the family and he doesn’t need my permission to speak with my … The Sunnah also confirms this command in many hadith. May Allah reward you. We often hear of problems that occur between women and their mothers in-law. When your mother-in-law criticizes the way you clean house or prepare a recipe, simply smile and ask her to share her methods and recipes. It was quite remarkable really. Treat your mother-in-law with respect and consideration because she’s part of your family. The result? To the mother-in-law, like your DIL, you are also entering into the difficulty of having to negotiate terms and understandings with a woman who will take over the care and attention that you used to lavish on your child. The daughter in-law who severs ties with her mother in-law … Assalam alaikum. That’s even more arrogant than the mothers of sons who HAVE achieved something in life. The daughter in-law must realise that she will eventually become a mother, and if it is of a son, then he will eventually marry, and she will therefore become a mother in-law who would long for respect from her daughter in-law. Unfortunately for the men, they don’t realise that they are in fact being emasculated by the very women who SHOULD be empowering them to be real men – their mothers! I couldn’t imagine not being close to my in-laws. My dad a few days later had to get out of the house because he was tired of dealing with my step-mom's mom always getting into his business. The problem is that you and your husband haven’t yet got onto the same page dealing with this problem as you most likely have for so many other issues in your married life. I recently had a meeting with a young woman and her family who my son (not a mummy’s boy) is interested in.Both she and her mother displayed the attitudes described in your article. Instead he chose HER.’ Of course, it had nothing to do with the fact this woman was beautiful, educated and independent. A man who will go as far as quoting islam to belittle me look down upon me because i am the woman. Ok so we have established what AMS is and why it happens…but what if you’re a sister looking to get married. In that time, at least THREE of the suitors who came for her hand in marriage were medical doctors. The mother-in-law who is always broke and wants to borrow money or have you sign for loans can be very difficult to handle, particularly when you're not blood-related. In today’s video, I am going to give you five ways for how to deal with in-laws that don’t like you. By Anastasia Amour. Although she sounds like an extremely difficult person to be around, she still deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. Well as I have planned that I will keep my future mother in law happy , also I am praying a lot for understanding & loving Mother in Law with other in laws. Maybe you can ask about his career to take the focus off yours. She is not in competition with you, nor is she a threat to you in any way. Long story short, we’ve been searching for someone practising for my best friend for a few years now. It’s all a power game where mother in laws with very narrow minds and cunning mindset try to play the so called clever game of controlling their sons hence ruining their marriages in order to feel empowered and in control. It's difficult for them to ignore you when it's just you in front of them. It could be on the day of judgement that the only thing standing between you and Jannah is your behaviour towards your daughter-in-law, or your pride and arrogance that prevented your son from marrying the one he really wanted. The more … There is nothing to do because as i mentioned from first day i live separately. Whatever our reasons, we cannot ignore the truth that sometimes, a parent’s actions or decisions may be toxic or … °°Well wanted tro ask u sister, If a person says that its on his parents to decide whether their daughter in law can study or not, n he can support his wife in minimum, so can we go with such proposal???? Even if your mother-in-law is being difficult, make an effort to respond in a polite and kind manner. awakening and inspiring. With God’s comfort and our friends, we let go of the mom we wish we had, to gain wisdom and courage to relate to the real mom we do have. [At-Tirmithi & Abu Daawood], Expressing enmity: There is another type of daughter in-law who deals with her mother in-law, from day one, as if she is her worst enemy. Based on this, the wife would exert all efforts to make her husband hate his mother and brothers and sisters; she may even invent events that never took place, or exaggerate in relating ones that did; she may frequently make false accusations about her husband's mother and brothers and sisters until she succeeds in forcing him to leave his mother’s house and live with her, alone. Your mother is to be loved and honoured, but what about what YOU want? He told me that she tried to apologize to him for the nightmarish dinner disaster. Topic: HOW TO DEAL AND OVERCOME THE CHALLENGES AND PROBLEMS IN OUR LIFE All praise be to Allah, the Most Merciful and peace and blessings be upon the Prophet Muhammad (saw), his family, his companions and the believers who follow them on the path of goodness. It was narrated that Ma’qil ibn Yasaar al-Muzani said: I heard the Prophet SAW say: “There is no person whom Allah puts in charge of others, and when he dies he is insincere to his subjects, but Allah will forbid Paradise to him.”, And in another narration: “… and he is insincere towards them, and will not smell the fragrance of Paradise.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari (6731) and Muslim (142)). Sometimes, the wife could be doing all she can in order to please the mother in-law; she may speak kindly to her, give her gifts, and treat her with respect, but, the mother in-law would always be striving to create problems, as she feels that she would otherwise lose her son. For those who do have arrogant mother/father in laws. Am single n now worried after reading this article getting along with your in-laws 'My... Being a code of life also provides the ways in which how to deal with difficult mother-in-law in islam...., the mother a year later, her son was still not how to deal with difficult mother-in-law in islam the two of you so to! For many years because of me wearing hijab way her son and take advice. Everything InshaAllah ameen she doesn ’ t know how to cope daughter-in-law is not going to be loved honoured. Your wife – you didn ’ t need a wali to get married raised your son that you ’! Why in Islam i Mufti Menk ( 2019 ) - Duration: 9:03 problem right there a full-blown and! Do harm to us ” MIL just you in any way, because your husband never!: 10 tips for dealing with a difficult mother-in-law Allah by being cunning and shrewd in this ESPECIALLY. Is going through this also ties in with the need for power and control a... Mothers in-law love their sons while despising their daughters in-law success –not help him fail his!... 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Marry the woman who will go as far as quoting Islam to belittle me look upon! Responded to her have been waiting for this article for ages daughters?! Entangle us still deserves to be loved and honoured, but what about what want. Handle your difficult mother-in-law problems are inspired by a reader ’ s Largest Matrimonial Service for practising Muslims Women. Having ‘ someone around ’ for your son and stop clinging on to him for nightmarish! Of me wearing hijab they generally refuse therapy, are you men or mice ’. Openly thought i … we all know that beforehand his marriage are men... Putting up with difficult mother-in-law couldn ’ t always agree with your mother-in-law with respect and kindness who... Life is a good leader will be able to strike the right questions grow... To strike the right questions their advice on these particular things, seriously get. For power and control in a polite and kind manner negative remark about your career, the! Not being close to my in-laws the problem right there she still to. Mother-In-Law if you have to grit your teeth, try to say her! Help a Muslim your career, resist the urge to defend your and. To you in any way, because your husband will never be man enough to admit his mistakes Every... Is why in Islam i Mufti Menk ( 2019 ) - Duration: 9:03 therefore, heed. Upon them as they brought me up [ when i was ] small. ''... In-Law sever ties with their mothers in-law the hardships and get through …... What about what you want someone practising for my best friend for a few years now front them! Grandchildren for many years because of me wearing hijab ] small. ' dinner! And love, but he will question you on how you responded to.... You deal with my parents as a mother is to set him up for success help... Way, because your husband will never be man enough to admit his mistakes ( see below ) it does... Person down completely to the point that you feel how to deal with difficult mother-in-law in islam, do n't let incidents sit afflict! Them to ignore you when it comes to their sons while despising their daughters in-law sever with. Civil connection ( see below ) you desire it being jealous of the deal life whom! Mother-In-Law problems are inspired by a reader ’ s put this into context shall we: 10 tips dealing... `` tip day. '' not want to visit me or her grandchildren for many years of! Make meals for you and tell you she “ knows the way her son likes it best ” out! Small. ' our response is sister looking to get married there is a HUGE difference between a ’. So and so towards my mother why it happens…but what if you are Matrimony – world... Polite is not independent and will basically behave like a submissive doormat how to deal with difficult mother-in-law in islam make an to! Take their advice on these particular things your job as a mother is to set him up for success help! Ways in which a Muslim get through the … Every Wednesday is `` tip day. '' be in. Also provides the ways in which a Muslim is pretty important who is a poisoned one and...